Too Much Rain
by MoreCowbell
Summary: How Tsukushi learned to depend on Doumyouji
1. one

Too Much Rain  
by Trish  
(trishlovesedison@hotmail.com)  
  
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ONE  
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Thunder crashed. The sound of it echoed through the sky. Raindrops pelted  
angrily against the window pane as the wind howled violently.  
  
Yet the girl snuggled in his arms didn't wake. Instead, she pressed herself  
closer against him, filling him head to toe with warmth.  
  
Doumyouji Tsukasa couldn't control the sigh of contentment that slipped  
between his lips.  
  
This was bliss.  
  
After all those long months of loneliness, fear, anger, rejection... It  
seemed like his luck was finally starting to turn around. He was seriously  
dating Makino Tsukushi, the girl he loved and the girl who loved him back.  
His mother (who he'd crowned 'the Evil Bitch Queen') had promised not to  
interfere with his or Tsukushi's life for an entire year. And to top it off,  
his relationship with said girlfriend had finally reached the next level.  
  
He couldn't begin to express how greatful he was that it hadn't taken the  
five years she'd estimated for her to be ready to do 'that'.  
  
The act itself was mind-numbingly, vision-impairingly fantastic. But that  
wasn't the only reason he'd been so desperate to do it.  
  
Everytime they'd ever come close before she'd pushed him away. Sometimes,  
she did it in the literal sense... And it was really more of an enraged  
shove accompanied by her demanding 'what the hell are you doing, perv!?'.  
But sometimes she'd start to cry and she'd beg for him to stop before they  
had ever really started. Either way, he always ended up feeling rejected and  
unwanted.  
  
She never talked to him about why she was afraid or why she wasn't ready. He  
was left to agonize over it himself. Was she really just THAT much of a  
prude? Was he undesirable in someway? If it was how people expressed their  
love, why was she so unwilling to do it?  
  
In typical Doumyouji fashion, he jumped to the conclusion that made HER look  
like the bad guy, and him, the ever-suffering boyfriend.  
  
'She doesn't trust me. We've been together this long, and she doesn't  
believe that I won't hurt her.'  
  
He'd always sort of resented her inhibitions with him, and he voiced them as  
often as possible. In the end, it always made him sound like a pervert, or a  
sex fiend, or a jerk...  
  
He and Tsukushi were just no good at communication.  
  
Then came that fateful day.  
  
He'd showed up in her neighborhood, newly unamnesia-ed. After the shock wore  
off (and after the pop quiz she'd sprung on him), she proceeded to vent  
weeks and weeks of frustration and lonliness on him. She'd bruised him up  
something awful, and he was rightfully annoyed with her.  
  
That is, until the waterworks started. She-- along with the grocery bag she  
was carrying-- fell to the floor. Through her tears she called him an idiot,  
a moron, a bastard. But she didn't mean it. There was no vehemence in her  
voice; just all the sadness she'd kept hidden away because she was afraid to  
show anyone else.  
  
He understood this because he understood her. No matter what anyone else  
said-- Rui, Amakusa, Amon-- he knew his girl.  
  
So he'd gone to the cold concrete sidewalk with her, and he'd wrapped his  
arms around her while she cried on his shoulder. He wanted to cry too, just  
because she was in so much pain. But he didn't, because he wasn't sad. The  
sky was blue, Umi was gone, his mother was in another country, and they  
could finally be together. There was nothing to be sad about.  
  
Tsukushi seemed to realize this too, and her tears subsided. For probably  
the first time, she kissed him in broad daylight where the whole world could  
see them. And of course he had no choice but to return that kiss. He could  
taste the sadness, and the lonliness, and the want in it. So he pressed his  
lips against her harder so she knew for certain that this was real and that  
this was forever.  
  
One thing led to another and before either of them realized it, they were  
all the way back at Doumyouji's mansion, in Doumyouji's bed, clinging  
tightly to each other.  
  
"You know Tsukasa," she'd said after, not noticing she'd called him by his  
first name, "I didn't want to admit this to you at first, but the reason I  
wouldn't do this with you is because of that time before."  
  
"That time before?"  
  
"Back when I still loved Hanazawa Rui and you found out."  
  
He didn't say anything, but he'd drawn himself very stiff and he hugged her  
a little less tighter. He was ashamed of what he almost did to her. He  
didn't like to remember that incident at all. She'd been crying and  
screaming and begging for him to stop. And while he did eventually, he never  
apologized. He'd blamed her. And he'd carried that lustful want of her  
inside of himself ever since.  
  
"It's not that I was still mad or anything. I was just afraid that you'd  
only do what felt good for you. You know, I thought you'd be really rough  
and forceful. And I also thought that if I told you to stop, you'd be so  
into it, you wouldn't."  
  
A moment or two passed before he replied, his tone revealing nothing, "Is  
that so? How come you wanted to do it now?"  
  
He would never forget the look on her face as she answered him. Her eyes  
were bright and happy, and her cheeks were tinged a bright, rosy color, "I  
had the feeling that I really wouldn't WANT to stop, no matter what. And I  
knew, by the way you were holding me back there, that you would never hurt  
me if you could help it."  
  
And he couldn't help but fall in love with her all over again.  
  
Since that first time, they'd done it only once and awhile. Makino Tsukushi  
was an extremely busy person and she very rarely had any space on her  
schedule for relaxation, pleasure, or recreation. And on top of that, she  
didn't want her little brother to find out about the types of activites she  
engaged in when she didn't come home some nights. It should have been fairly  
obvious already, but Susumu wasn't the sharpest crayon in the box.  
  
As he gave it more thought, Doumyouji grew increasingly annoyed by the lack  
of time she actually spent with him. They had a little less than a year to  
be together before that witch came back and started up just where she'd left  
off: with the blackmail, and the SP's, and God knows what else she'd have up  
her sleeve after a whole year of plotting. He had full confidence that she  
would NOT succeed in tearing them apart, but he knew things were going to be  
difficult for him and Tsukushi. And in that case, he had no idea why she so  
rarely fulfilled her girlfriend duties.  
  
Not just sex, but snuggling and talking and complimenting (not that she'd  
ever done a lot of that last one). He and Tsukushi had never done a lot of  
the things he understood most couples did. For instance, they'd never gone  
clubbing, ridden on one of those stupid two-person bikes, fed each other  
grapes, dressed in matching outfits, sang a love duet, gotten identical  
tatoos... Doumyouji realized that a few of those were decidedly unappealing  
to him, but he wanted to share all sorts of experiences with her.  
  
He was happiest when he was with her, but she was barely around. She always  
had to study, or work, or do chores, or cater to her whiney friends. He  
figured a good chunk of what she wasted her time on could be devoted to him  
instead if she just stopped being stubborn and agreed to let him take care  
of her.  
  
He'd pay for her bills. Then she could quit the two jobs she was working.  
He'd pay for her college tuition. Then she didn't have to study so hard so  
she could get good grades, and eventually scholarships. And if she lived  
with him-- maybe not IN his room exactly, Tama would never allow it-- he  
could have meals with her, see her in the morning, see her before she went  
to bed at night.  
  
Doumyouji was aware that his train of thought was rather selfish and  
possessive. But he loved Tsukushi. She made him happy. What was so wrong  
with wanting to be happy? He'd promised her not that long ago that he would  
make her happy too. And there was no way she could be happy constantly  
stressed out over finals or making final payments on the rent. He didn't  
think it was fair for her to have so much weight on her shoulders. She had  
to take care of her brother, her friends, her parents, and sometimes she had  
to take care of him too. She had to take care of so many people that she  
didn't always take care of herself. Her priorities were all over the place.  
She didn't always get enough sleep, she sometimes didn't allow herself a  
social life, she skipped meals every now and then, and even though he knew  
she loved to be with him, she denied herself even that in favor of having to  
work a six hour shift at such and such restaurant.  
  
His Tsukushi was independant, busy, and hardworking. He loved it about her,  
but he also hated it. She was wearing herself to the ground. She'd become so  
used to being in charge and taking care of everyone around her that she  
didn't know when enough was enough.  
  
He wanted to be the one to take care of her.  
  
People always told them that they had so much in common: the loudness, the  
brashness, the anger, the violence. But in some ways they were also complete  
opposites. Tsukushi was the girl everybody relied on. She had to work hard  
for everything. He was just a spoiled rich boy who had the money to buy and  
do anything he wanted. He'd never had to take care of anyone before. He'd  
never wanted to.  
  
But things were different now.  
  
"Tsukushi," he whispered softly to the sleeping girl in his arms, "From now  
on, you can depend on me." He hugged her closer to his bare chest. The  
action roused her a little bit and in her half awakened-slumber, she made a  
cute sound of protest.  
  
"Tsukasa," she half-whined, struggling against his tight embrace. He  
loosened up a bit, and she relaxed within his arms. "Mmm, thank you," she  
murmured, then promptly fell back asleep.  
  
Doumyouji shifted his eyes from the petite girl lying against him, to the  
ceiling above. Even though he was staring at it intently, his mind was too  
preoccupied to take in what he was seeing. How he could possibly get his  
girlfriend-- his frustratingly stubborn and proud girlfriend-- to allow  
herself to depend on another human being? Himself, namely.  
  
Thunder struck again. His eyes had snapped abruptly to the window as soon as  
he heard the sound. The drapes were partially open and he could see the dark  
sky and the sheets of water flowing down his window pane.  
  
'It's raining really hard', he observed.  
  
He didn't know it at the time, but Doumyouji's unformulated plan was already  
starting to unfold.  
  
# # # # # # # # # # #  
  
A GREAT MANY NOTES: Uh... Okay. That really didn't turn out the way it was  
supposed to. It's kind of corny and disjointed. =( I don't know what  
happened. I rambled on about their relationship for a long time! And then I  
started to write about something that didn't have to do with the thing I  
originally planned to write about. @.@ If you have any suggestions or  
questions or comments, e-mail me. Go nuts. And if you're wondering, I am  
going somewhere with this 'rain' thing. It's not just irrelevant BS.  
More notes: The title of the story is from an ATB song. It's raining a lot  
where I live. That's where I got the idea for this 'fic. I don't really do a  
lot of kissy-kissy, WAFF scenes so if this seems really terrible bear with  
me. Personally, I've experienced a lot of the physical but never the  
emotional of kissing, so I have a difficult time putting into words what I  
imagine people who are ACTUALLY in love feel. Doumyouji doesn't know that  
Tsukushi depends on Rui (will he find out? who knows). And last but not  
least... Tsukushi and Doumyouji are DOING IT?! What the hell!? It took them  
a BAJILLION years to start dating, and I've got them boinking already!? And  
without the proper amount of drama and romance a relationship such as  
their's entails? Blame it on the fact that I'm taking a Sexuality class in  
school, and there seems to be so many justifications for doing it now that  
I've carried on my newly-formed beliefs to my writing. 


	2. two

Too Much Rain  
by Trish  
(trishlovesedison@hotmail.com)  
  
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TWO  
# # # # # # # # # # #  
  
"Oh shit." They were the only words that could fully express the shock and  
horror she was feeling at the moment. Makino Tsukushi stood in the open  
doorway of her apartment, her mouth hanging open as she tried to comprehend  
exactly what it was she was seeing.  
  
Scattered about the one-room apartment were various pots and buckets,  
stationed underneath still dripping leaks from the ceiling. Huddled in the  
corner was her younger brother, Susumu. He'd apparently cocooned himself in  
his futon and moved to the only completely dry spot in the entire room.  
  
Her first instinct was to start screaming and to punch a wall. But with  
great effort, she refrained. She was NOT as violent as the F4 said she was.  
And besides. The apartment was so crappy she'd probably break a hole open.  
Instead, she took a deep, shuddering breath.  
  
'Okay, okay. So there are a few leaks. A few dozen leaks. That's alright.  
It's not the end of the world. And Susumu had enough sense to put buckets  
underneath them. And hey, he even found a big enough towel to wipe up the  
mess... Hey, is that my futon!?'  
  
Thoroughly pissed off, Tsukushi weaved her way around the water-filled  
containers sitting smack-dab in the center of the room, to her snoozing  
brother. Wasting no time, she grabbed him by his shoulders and began to  
shake him furiously.  
  
"Hey, wake up!"  
  
"Ergh?" He mumbled, confused. It took only a few more moments (and shakes)  
for him to awake fully, "Oh, hey Sis. Welcome home," he greeted, a shade too  
nonconchalant for her liking.  
  
"W-What the hell is this!?" she gestured wildly to the mess in their home.  
  
He blinked a few times in suprise, as if he'd completely forgotten about it.  
Then, his eyes lit up in recognition and he opened his mouth to reply.  
  
But he never got to. Tsukushi fixed him with an absolutely evil glare,  
"Don't answer my rhetorical questions, freak! Why did you use my futon? And  
why the hell didn't you call me last night when you noticed there was  
something wrong?"  
  
"Are THOSE rhetorical questions?" he muttered sarcastically, then continued,  
"For your information, I DID call you last night but you'd turned your  
cellphone off. Which, might I add, was a little bit obnoxious of you."  
  
"I turned my cell off?" Tsukushi wondered outloud, taking a momentary  
breather from her incredulous anger, "Why'd I turn my cell...?" Memories of  
last night, and Doumyouji, and what they'd done returned to her. The blush  
that resulted was involuntary.  
  
"Hey, why're you going all red?" Susumu asked, leaning closer to inspect his  
sister's face. "Just what did you do last night?"  
  
She gave him a slight shove, "I was taking care of Shigeru. She had a bad  
fever. I guess it must have transferred on to me." It seemed like an  
adequete lie, and Susumu accepted it without question. "But anyway, that's  
not what we should be worrying about right now."  
  
"Oh right," the young boy sobered considerably, "Looking at all these pots  
filled with rain water... It's kind of depressing. This place is small  
enough as it is. How're we supposed to live like this?"  
  
"I don't think it's possible," Tsukushi said, "Sure, you had a pretty dry  
night over here in your little corner, but it must've been rough on your  
back to have been propped up against the wall for so long."  
  
He ran his fingers over his spine, gently, "Yeah, now that you mention it,  
it does sort of ache..." Suddenly, a look of epiphany crossed over his face,  
"Hey, why don't we stay in Doumyouji-san's place?" he asked, cheerfully.  
  
Tsukushi's face had gone from embarrased red to pure white with horror,  
"E-excuse me? You have to be joking! Just because we happen to be dating  
doesn't mean that-"  
  
"No, stupid," Susumu rolled his eyes, "Not the mansion. It's his parents'  
house isn't it? It's not like he can have guests over whenever her wants."  
  
'Oh, if only you knew,' she thought, somewhat amused.  
  
"I meant next door."  
  
Next door. Right. The apartment he'd rented to ensure her safety after the  
attempted burglary. She hadn't been too pleased with the arrangement at  
first, but soon she saw it for what it really was. Another clumsy, Doumyouji  
expression of love.  
  
"I don't think so, Susumu. It's been awhile since he's actually been in it.  
I think he stopped paying rent a couple of months ago... And if there's  
leaks here, I'm pretty sure there'll be leaks there too."  
  
"Oh," Susumu responded, sagging a little in disappointment,  
  
Tsukushi couldn't stand to see him like that. Even if he was an annoying  
brat, he was still her brother. Because of the sad state of poverty they  
lived in, he didn't get to do half the things his friends did. Being an  
Eitoku student, she knew all too well how it felt to be left out. He was  
just a kid too. He shouldn't have to worry about where he was going to sleep  
at night, or if they'd have enough money after paying the bills to buy him  
new clothes for school. When she was his age she'd been working and studying  
almost obessively for highschool entrace exams. She'd lost a part of her  
childhood she couldn't ever get back. She swore to herself she'd never let  
that happen to him too.  
  
"Susumu, stay at a friend's house tonight. I'll take care all of this," her  
voice had become very determined, a sure sign that she'd slipped in her  
'strictly business' mode.  
  
"You'll take care of all this?" he echoed, doubtfully, "Sis, what can you do  
in a day, exactly?"  
  
She pursed her lips and narrowed her eyes, "Don't ask me that. Just... Just  
trust in your big sister, okay?"  
  
# # #  
  
The next day found Tsukushi sitting in the Eitoku Highschool library during  
lunch, looking determined and scary. Her hair had been arranged in a messy  
ponytail. In one hand she was armed with a tall number two pencil, and in  
the other, an accounting-style calculator. Sitting before her was a stack of  
papers with numbers printed on them.  
  
She was so focused on what she was doing she didn't notice she had company  
until said company laid a firm hand on her arm.  
  
Tsukushi jumped, startled. Standing before her was none other than the  
infamously cute and deceiptful Sanjou Sakurako.  
  
"Senpai, what's wrong with you? I've been trying to get your attention for  
the last couple of minutes."  
  
"Sorry Sakurako," she said, not sounding even a fraction of that sorry she  
claimed to be, "But I've just got a lot of things I need to take care of."  
  
The redhead didn't take the hint to am-scray and settled herself in the seat  
next to Tsukushi's, "What are you doing? Is this for some kind of Math  
class?" she asked, looking overwhelmed by the sheer amount of numbers  
staring her in the face, "God, you're smart Tsukushi-senpai."  
  
"Uh, not really," Tsukushi replied, not wanting to confide her financial  
woes in someone who could not possibly understand. Not only that, but  
Sakurako was likely to make fun of her too, "It's just some stuff I have to  
take care of."  
  
"I see." Sakurako nodded in acknowledgment, but she still didn't move from  
where she was sitting. She just stared into space, disinterestedly, tapping  
her fingertips against the mahogany tabletop.  
  
"That's... kind of... distracting," Tsukushi informed her, after a good five  
minutes of tapping, "Did you want something from me?" The question was  
blunt, but she managed to ask it in a non-rude way (if that's even  
possible).  
  
"Oh, I was just waiting until you were finished so we could go have lunch  
together!" Sakurako beamed, "Your boyfriend's a little cranky today because  
he couldn't find you. He was going on about you promising to make him a  
bento."  
  
"Damnit!" Tsukushi swore suddenly. The entire library turned to stare at  
her. "Uh, sorry," she whispered back to them, sheepishly. She'd spent the  
entire afternoon yesterday arguing with the landlord about the leak in her  
apartment. He'd get it fixed, but only when the rain stopped. And even then  
it would take awhile. After she finally accepted the fact that the roof  
couldn't be repaired presto-change-o, she'd stayed up all night reviewing  
the family's budget. Money was tight as it was, and she didn't know if she  
could shell out enough bucks for her and Susumu to stay at a hotel. She  
briefly considered having them move in with their parents again,  
temporarily, but the idea was soon shot down. Mama and Papa lived too far  
away from her and Susumu's schools and the cost of transportation would be  
doubled if they had to make the long commute every morning, every afternoon,  
and for Tsukushi, every night (to return home from her job at the  
restaurant). Also, she wouldn't see Doumyouji as often as she would have  
liked to.  
  
But no matter how many times she looked over their budget, they didn't have  
enough to spare for even the shoddiest hotel room in Tokyo. That is, unless  
she was willing to sacrifice buying groceries for a little while.  
  
So Tsukushi had spent the entire night going over finances, and as a result,  
woke up later than usual. She barely made it to school on time, and her back  
was killing her from sleeping in 'the dry corner'. The bento she'd promised  
to prepare for Doumyouji had been forgotten completely.  
  
"I'm such an idiot," Tsukushi mumbled, burying her face in her stack of  
papers, "What the hell is wrong with me?"  
  
Sakurako pulled insistantly at Tsukushi's arm, "Okay, so you forgot to make  
him a bento. So what? He'll get over it. Just come to lunch with us now so  
he knows that you aren't trying to blow him off."  
  
"I'm not trying to blow him off, but I've... I've got things I have to  
finish," her voice sounded so sad and pathetic she was sure even Sakurako  
would feel sorry for her.  
  
And by the look of defeat on the redhead's face, it seemed like she did,  
"Alright, I'll just drop it. What do you want me to tell Doumyouji, though?"  
  
Irritated that he needed to know where she was and what she was doing at all  
hours of the day, Tsukushi sourly answered, "Why do you even have to tell  
him anything?"  
  
Sakurako looked scandalized, "I would never lie to Doumyouji."  
  
Tsukushi gave her 'the look'.  
  
"Okay, well I would never lie to him now that he knows how much I enjoy  
lying. I don't think you have to worry, though. I doubt he even knows  
there's a library in this school, muchless where it is."  
  
It seemed to make sense to Tsukushi, so she nodded her head in agreement,  
"Okay. I guess you can tell him." She and Sakurako exchanged goodbye's as the  
redhead left the building in search of the F4.  
  
Now alone with her thoughts, she returned to the most important matter at  
hand. She'd thorougly investigated her own budget, and found it airtight.  
She had anticipated something like this happening so the previous afternoon  
she'd stopped by her parent's house and bullied her father into giving her a  
copy of their expense list. She'd been unable to take a look at the papers  
last night, so she dedicated her entire lunch period to going over them in  
great detail. The top paper of the stack was filled with scratch notes she'd  
made as she calculated the daily, then weekly, then monthly expenses of her  
mother and father, then compared it to their combined income. For some  
reason the amount of money they spent on food seemed to be a little bit  
excessive. Her mother was such a cheapskate, there was no way she'd use such  
a large portion of her earnings on groceries... Unless her father had  
secretly renewed his pachinko allowance and disguised it by adding it to the  
food expenses...  
  
"Tsukushi! Where the hell are you!?"  
  
Her blood ran cold as she heard the unmistakably dominating voice of  
Doumyouji Tsukasa booming through the library.  
  
"Thanks a lot Sakurako," she muttered, wishing she could just hide under the  
table until he went away. They were going to get into an argument again, she  
could just tell. They always did. He never listened to what she had to say  
and everything he said was phrased so condescendingly, she ended up getting  
pissed off at him. She'd heard somewhere that fighting was healthy, but the  
number of fights they got into a day could not be, in any way, healthy. If  
she was lucky, it'd be a small scuffle. They'd be over it the next day.  
  
There came the sound of footsteps rushing towards the exit and Tsukushi  
knew, without looking, that the library had cleared out completely. No  
innocent bystander was dumb enough to stick around when a Doumyouji was  
pissed.  
  
A meek glance over her shoulder revealed her boyfriend with his hands  
crossed over his wide chest, and a scowl on the lips she'd been kissing only  
days ago.  
  
"H-hi Tsuksasa." she ventured, hesitantly, "That's a nice shirt. It really  
goes with your comple-"  
  
"Are you avoiding me?" he interrupted, "When I drove you home a couple of  
days ago we were fine." His harsh tone was betrayed by the look of rejection  
in his eyes.  
  
She felt a little bad for hurting his feelings, but even she had to admit  
he was jumping to ridiculous conclusions, "Of course I'm not avoiding you,  
idiot. I just have a lot of things I have to deal with. Don't be so  
sensitive. I can't spend all my time with you."  
  
"What are you talking about!?" he demanded, her comments doing nothing to  
calm him down, "You hardly spend anytime with me! Sure, we were together a  
couple of nights ago. That was nice. But before that I hadn't been with you  
in a whole week except for at school. Are now you're cutting me off here  
too?"  
  
'Don't', she screamed in her head, wanting to actually scream it outloud,  
but for some reason holding back, 'Don't yell at me. Don't get angry at me.  
You don't understand, Tsukasa. You don't understand.' And she wanted to  
explain it to him, she really did. But the truth of the matter was, she  
didn't understand the situation herself.  
  
She was hungry and exhausted. She missed seeing her friends and she missed  
Tsukusa, even though she saw him the most out of any of them (except Yuuki,  
who she worked with nearly everyday). Right now she wanted nothing more then  
to fall asleep in Tsukasa's warm and suprisingly gentle arms. But at the  
same time, she accepted that that wasn't a reality for now. It was a  
pleasure to save for a less hectic week. At the same time, she didn't want  
to quit working.  
  
She knew that if she did, she'd hate herself. Who'd pay for the bills, who'd  
buy the groceries, who'd do the laundry, who'd make lunches in the morning,  
who'd do her homework, who would do all the things she already knew herself  
capable of doing? Susumu did his share, and that was fine. He did all that  
he was able to do. Tsukushi was the same way, but she was faster, more  
efficent, and multi-tasking. She'd already wasted her childhood doing these  
things. There was no reason for Susumu to have to follow in her footsteps.  
  
So, sure, she was a little weary. She did spend every moment not working,  
sleeping. Sure, it was hard as hell. But she had to do it.  
  
Why?  
  
'Because I have to.'  
  
She couldn't explain that to him. He wouldn't understand. He wasn't really a  
hard worker. He was persistent as hell, but only about things that weren't  
handed to him on a silver platter. And he was Doumyouji Tsukasa. Few things  
weren't.  
  
If a friend were in a similar position, she knew just the type of advice  
she'd give. 'Relax. Take care of yourself. Don't over do-it'. She was a  
hypocrite. But she honestly couldn't see herself quitting. In her mind, the  
situation really wasn't that bad. It was just life.  
  
"Tsukasa, I'm sorry," she said sincerely, taking his hands in her's. He  
pulled away at first, but she held them again, tighter this time. She still  
felt that there was a lot she had to say to him, but she wanted to leave it  
until later. When her schedule permitted it. For now, she just pushed all  
her emotions into a little space in the corner of her mind, pasting on a  
happy smile so she could see one on Doumyouji too, "I really am sorry. There  
are just some annoying things I have to take care of right now. It is a  
little bit time consuming, but it's not forever."  
  
"Not forever, huh?" he made a little sound that would have been a snort on  
anyone else, but wasn't on him. Doumyouji didn't snort, at least, he would  
never let anyone call it that.  
  
"I promise," she said sweetly, standing on her tippy-toes to press a kiss  
against his lips.  
  
"Can I ask you something?" he didn't seem angry anymore, but there was a  
strange look in his eyes that sent feelings of unease through her.  
  
"What is it?"  
  
"Are we forever?"  
  
For a whole second, she didn't breath.  
  
'Are we... what? How can you ask me that?'  
  
She tried to picture herself married to Doumyouji, being bound to him for the  
rest of her life. Sleeping with him in the same bed, eating the same meal at  
the same table, going on long, romantic walks... It was plausible. They did a  
lot of things married couples did already. But there was another side to it.  
Confiding in him her deepest fears, having him take care of something she  
couldn't, trusting that he would know the right thing to do when she needed  
him to. She honestly couldn't see that.  
  
Are we forever? The question rang in her head.  
  
'I don't know.'  
  
But she couldn't say that to him. He was staring at her-- this boy, who would  
give up everything for her sake-- and she felt she couldn't do or say  
anything that would break his heart.  
  
"Yeah, Tsukasa." she said, smiling a smile that didn't quite reach her eyes.  
As if to further back her statement, she embraced him tightly to her, but he  
didn't return the hug and his expression had become the very dead, blank  
expression he always got when she did something to disappoint him.  
  
He knew she was lying.  
  
# # # # # # # # # # #  
  
NOTES: o.O Where am I going with this? I don't know. I think I exaggerated  
the financial problems of the Makino family. Or else I didn't. *shrugs* As  
you may have noticed, the cast is starting to be a lot less formal with one  
another. Doumyouji and Tsukushi are finally using each other's first names.  
Sakurako also calls her 'Tsukushi-senpai' and she's dropped the 'san' from  
Doumyouji's name. When did all this happen? I don't know. It just did.  
Expect a lot more of it. I'm suprised that this story has gotten so  
dramatic. It's become about Tsukushi's obsession with being independant. In  
which case, I might HAVE to involve Rui because he's the one person our  
heroine is 'okay' with depending on. Since the very beginning when he saved  
her from those would-be rapists, she's always counted on him to take care of  
her. I can't believe that I'd originally planned to make this story really  
light hearted and cute. What the @#$% is wrong with me? Oh yeah, no chapter  
titles because I'm uncreative. =( And if this part seemed really rushed (the  
end especially) it's because I was running out of drive and I knew that if I  
didn't finish it now (bad though it is), it never would have been finished  
at all. 


	3. three

Too Much Rain  
by Trish  
(trishlovesedison@hotmail.com)  
  
# # # # # # # # # # #  
  
Hanadan belongs to Yoko Kamio. I forgot to mention that before (Trish is a  
dummy). Also, in response to Clarebear's review: The passage was just saying  
that Doumyouji doesn't have a plan, he only has the desired solution  
("Tsukushi's gonna depend on meeee!"). But, as he is pondering what to do,  
something's going on that'll eventually help him (the rain). Uh... if that's  
confusing (why did I word it like that? -_-) just say so, and I'll try to  
explain it better.  
  
# # # # # # # # # # #  
THREE (unedited -_-;)  
# # # # # # # # # # #  
  
"Mama!" Five year old Tsukushi wailed, running into the kitchen where her  
mother was busy at work, "What's wrong with Papa? He's lying face down on  
his futon." With fear making her voice tremble a bit, she asked, "He's not  
dead, is he?"  
  
Mama stopped chopping furiously at the vegetables on the cutting board, "Of  
course not, Tsukushi-chan. He's an extremely difficult man to kill." Her  
eyed narrowed a bit, "Unfortunately."  
  
The little girl didn't notice the bitterness dripping in her mother's tone,  
"Well, what's wrong with him then? Mama? Mama are you listening to me?" she  
asked, tugging insistently at her mother's skirt.  
  
"Not now, Tsukushi. I have to finish dinner. Why don't you go check on your  
brother?"  
  
Her nose wrinkled at the thought of it, "No way, Mama. Everytime I go near  
that baby it starts to stink. I wanna play with Papa. Can't you wake him  
up?"  
  
No response. Only the sounds of the knife slicing through the greens and  
thumping against the wood of the cutting board.  
  
"Maaamaaa!" her voice came out as a longer whine.  
  
"Tsukushi," the cutting stopped, and the woman looked at her daughter  
seriously, "Maybe you're a little young for me to be telling you this...  
Then again, you probably won't even remember... I really don't think you  
should depend too much on your father."  
  
The little girl was too stunned to reply at first. She plopped herself down  
on the kitchen floor and rolled her mother's statement around in her head.  
How could she not depend on her father? He made silly faces to get her to  
stop crying, he taught her his winning, super, secret pachinko technique,  
and he was far more lenient than her mother. Besides, she loved him and love  
was about trusting someone enough to depend on them. Didn't her mom love her  
dad?  
  
"Mama. Are you and Papa fighting?"  
  
Mama once again stopped what she was doing and gave her daughter a very sad,  
tired look. She put down the knife and the food, and wiped her hands on her  
apron. "Tsukushi," she kneeled down next to her on the floor, "You remember  
how I told you that things were going to get easier soon?"  
  
She nodded, "Yeah, 'cause Papa's gonna get a promotion."  
  
"Well, your Papa didn't get a promotion. Something went wrong. He... messed  
up," she said, struggling with her words. It was hard telling a child that  
their father was a loser, "And maybe you don't know this, but your Papa's  
been messing up a lot like that in his life. And it's not that I don't love  
him. I wouldn't still be with him if it were like that. But I've come to  
realize that you just can't rely on certain people. You have to learn to  
take care of yourself. If you depend on people, they'll let you down. And  
everything will get screwed up in your life."  
  
"I... I don't understand." Tsukushi stuttered, not liking how her usually  
wacky and vibrant mom had become so serious.  
  
"I don't expect you to," Mama said with a sigh, "But just listen to me. In  
this day and age, you have to be strong. You have to know how to stand on  
your own two feet. Don't expect for someone else to take care of you,  
because no one will. That's just the kind of world we live in. Your father's  
not a bad guy. He loves us. But he's not willing to make the sacrifices  
necessary for running a family. And maybe it's partly my fault. I should  
have gotten a job too. I should have known that something like this would  
happen."  
  
Somewhere during her monologue, the little girl wondered if her mother was  
really talking to her at all. It sounded a bit like she just wanted to talk  
to someone. Anyone. Being a bit uncomfortable with the topic, however,  
Tsukushi found herself fidgeting.  
  
"... survival of the fittest," the speech was winding down to a close, "As  
soon as you figure that out, you're one step closer to a more secure life.  
Do you hear me, Tsukushi-chan?"  
  
"Um," she bit her lip, then nodded vigorously. She'd missed the entire  
second half of what had been said to her. The use of the unfamiliar name  
'Darwin' had made her mind wander, "Okay, Mama. Can... Can I go play with  
Susumu now?"  
  
The woman looked suprised, "Huh? You said he was stinky."  
  
"Oh, well I don't think he's all that bad," the little girl was already half  
way out of the kitchen. 'I just wanna get out of here'.  
  
# # #  
  
Thunder struck.  
  
Tsukushi's eyes popped open.  
  
'What in the hell?'  
  
The first thing she was aware of was a sharp pain spiraling down her back.  
Then everything else came to her in small dosages.  
  
She was in 'the dry corner' again, and she was alone. Susumu had spent the  
night at a friend's house (different from last night). Outside, there was a  
raging storm. It had to be three or four in the morning. There was still a  
couple of hours until she had to get up for school.  
  
Tsukushi tried to settle herself into a comfortable position so she could  
fall back asleep. But a distant memory was lingering in her mind, and every  
time she closed her eyes, something new (but not very helpful or revealing)  
came up. The feeling of having to remember something nagged at her so much,  
she found she couldn't get back to sleep.  
  
'Something about... Mama? And Papa? But I can't figure out what it is...'  
  
She leaned back against the wall, staring at the droplets of water falling  
into the various pots and pans, not being able to let go of the fragments of  
the dream she'd just had.  
  
# # #  
  
It hadn't rained the entire day. Tsukushi was thankful, but not wholly  
optomistic. It still looked like it was GOING to rain. But she skipped her  
calculus class anyway, opting instead to sit out on the emergency stairs.  
She needed time to clear her head. Since she'd last seen him, Doumyouji had  
become very quiet and detatched. Everyone noticed.  
  
Tsukushi knew that it was her fault. She knew she hurt his feelings and  
that was honestly the last thing she intended to do. She'd actually lied to  
him about her true feelings for his sake. Was it her fault that he didn't  
(for good reason) believe her?  
  
When she thought about it, there was really NO ONE she could picture  
spending her future with. It didn't have much to do with Doumyouji at all,  
she supposed.  
  
As she stepped out the double doors leading to the emergency staircase, she  
was immediately greeted to the sight of the dark, gray sky. She hated that  
sight. It could only mean more rain. She was looking forward to better  
weather. The sooner the rain stopped, the less crap she would have to worry  
about. Then she and Tsukasa could get back on course, and maybe there would  
be no more of this "forever" business.  
  
Her musings were interrupted by the loud clearing of a throat. Tsukushi's  
eyes gladly dropped from the ugly sky, to the handsome boy underneath it.  
  
"Hanazawa Rui," she said fondly, a smile coming across her face. Whenever he  
was around, she felt a little less oppressed by her problems.  
  
"Morning," he greeted, returning her smile. He was sitting with his back  
against the balcony railing, looking very relaxed. It made her envy him.  
"Take a seat," he said, patting a place next to him on the floor. "It's not  
wet, so don't worry."  
  
She moved closer, "Thanks," she replied, smoothing out her skirt and  
settling herself down slowly. The second she touched the floor she let out a  
yelp and jumped up in suprise.  
  
"What's wrong?" he asked, his expression extremely amused.  
  
"It's cold," she whined, rubbing the back of her legs, "And these skirts are  
so tiny they barely cover anything."  
  
Not bothering to hide his sly grin, he answered, "I noticed." She didn't say  
anything to that, but a healthy blush creeped across her face. "Do you want  
to borrow my sweater to sit on?" he offered, already starting to pull the  
said item over his head.  
  
She held up a hand in protest and shook her head, "No, but thanks. It's not  
that bad." The truth of the matter was, she felt uncomfortable when someone  
like Rui wanted to do nice things for her. He wasn't the type to randomally  
do favors for another person. But she was a special case. He loved her. But  
she didn't want him to waste all his kindness on her, a girl who couldn't  
return his feelings. So instead of accepting the sweater, she beared the  
coldness of the concrete floor. She'd been through much worse before.  
  
For several moments they sat there in companionable silence. There weren't a  
lot of people she could have 'companionable silence' with. But she decided  
to speak up anyway.  
  
"It's gonna rain," she commented (NOTE: Did anyone else have that song from  
Kenshin pop up in their head just now? Lol!).  
  
"Is it? Rui questioned, "I don't know that much about the weather."  
  
Another silence. It was less comfortable. Tsukushi looked in Rui's  
direction, suprised to find the quiet boy staring at her intently.  
  
"What? Is there something on my face?"  
  
A beat, then, "No," he broke the stare, then stretched his long legs out in  
front of him, "I was wondering about something, though. You and Tsukasa...  
Did something happen?"  
  
She was sure her expression had become very troubled, because immediately he  
looked sorry for asking.  
  
"It's not really any of my business," he said, trying to sound like he  
didn't care that much. "I just noticed that lately he's been looking a  
little... vacant."  
  
"It's nothing," she assured him, "It's just relationship stuff. We have to  
work it out on our own, though." The last part, she thought sounded a little  
bit cold, but she didn't want to get him mixed up in her dysfunctional  
relationship. He'd taken a far too active role numerous times before, and it  
always ended with her needing him. She hated needing people.  
  
Rui wasn't put off by her tone, "You sure you don't want to talk about it?"  
he pressed.  
  
In her head she thought, 'Of course not. I can't tell you things about my  
relationship with your best friend. There are some things, Hanazawa Rui,  
that I can't tell even you.' But all she said was, "Yeah. I'm sure."  
  
She tried to shift herself in a more comfortable sitting position, and in  
the process bent her back in a most uncomfortable way. Waves of pain spread  
down her spine. She tried not to make it look like a big deal, but Rui would  
have to have been blind not to see the look of agony spread across her face.  
He was at her side immediately.  
  
"What's wrong?"  
  
"Oh," she blushed; tried to laugh nonchalantly. She was looking weak in  
front of him. "It's nothing. I've been, uh, sleeping against the walls."  
  
Rui blinked a couple of times, giving the comment ample time to process,  
"Against the walls?" he echoed.  
  
"That's right."  
  
Seconds ticked by. Tsukushi waited for him to say something. He didn't fail  
her expectations, as finally he responded, "What does it do?"  
  
"Huh?" she looked a bit confused.  
  
"What does it do?" he repeated himself, "Does it correct one's posture? Does  
it make you taller?"  
  
She couldn't explain why she got so annoyed, "I'm not doing it because I  
want to!" All he did was laugh, muttering under his breath about how cute  
she looked when she was irritated. "Don't laugh!" she snapped, "It's  
terrible! There's this gigangic leak on my roof that drips water EVERYwhere!  
I'm confined to sleeping upright in some stupid corner."  
  
Rui's expression was blank and uncomprehending, "You're joking."  
  
"Why would I joke about something like that!?"  
  
"Leaks, huh?" he crossed his arms over his chest, looking deep in thought.  
"So what's your plan?"  
  
Her heart skipped a beat. She could feel her lips curl into a brilliant  
smile. "How'd you know I had a plan?"  
  
He shrugged, "It's a very 'Tsukushi' thing to do. I would be disappointed if  
you didn't have a plan."  
  
Something warm filled her. Rui understood. She wasn't just being stubborn  
and pigheaded. She wasn't getting involved with something she couldn't  
handle. Rui believed in her.  
  
"Well, I'm saving up some money for a hotel room. It might be a long time  
coming until I can actually afford to have everthing taken care of, but the  
rain will stop. Maybe I can be prepared next time."  
  
"Why don't you just fix it?" he asked, astounding her with his cluelessness.  
  
"I can't just 'fix it'," she informed him, "It takes time and work. And it's  
still raining."  
  
"Oh?" This new knowledge didn't visibly affect him, it seemed. "How's your  
brother holding up?"  
  
"Oh, he's staying with his friends. House hopping everynight. It's kind of  
embarrasing," she admitted, "I wish I could do more." At that statement,  
Rui's features tightened, rather noticably. "Hanazawa Rui? What is it?"  
  
"You..." and then he faultered, shaking his head, "No forget it."  
  
She could only shrug her shoulders, saying, "Okay, whatever." She knew  
better than to force Rui to speak when he didn't want to. "Oh geez, the  
time," she noticed, catching sight of the face of her watch, "I have to get  
to my next class. I'll see you later, Hanazawa Rui."  
  
"See you," he answered in kind, giving a half-assed attempt at a wave.  
  
There was a look on his face that made her want to prod him with questions.  
He looked worried. That expression, she thought, didn't suit him at all. She  
resolved to bother him about it later. She really had to get to class.  
  
# # #  
  
Doumyouji suprised her.  
  
She didn't expect him to be standing next to the double doors of the  
emergency exit, looking far from pleased. His eyes were shaded and he had a  
scowl on his face. For the briefest of moments, she was absolutely  
terrified. But she reminded herself that this was her boyfriend, someone she  
knew would never hurt her if he could help it.  
  
"What's with you, Tsukasa?" she teased, reaching a hand over to poke him in  
the chest. She was shocked when he suddenly grabbed her by the wrist,  
dragging her closer to him.  
  
"Why didn't you tell me you were having problems with your apartment?"  
  
She could no longer ration away reasons for not being afraid. Doumyouji  
always let his emotions control him. When he was like this, there was no  
telling what he would do. And while part of her was afraid, another part was  
indignant. Tsukushi always let the indignant side win out because fear was a  
weakness. "Were you eavesdropping on my conversation?" she demanded,  
wrenching her wrist free, "What the hell is wrong with you?"  
  
"What the hell is wrong with YOU!?" he shot back, furiously, "Why is it that  
whenever you're in trouble you always go to Rui? Ever since we first met.  
You always trusted Rui more than me. Why are you even going out with me,  
then?"  
  
He had a point, she supposed. She'd unthinkingly confessed her woe-begotten  
living situation to Rui, when she knew for a fact she'd do more than  
hesitate to even hint to Doumyouji that such problems even existed. Even  
though she was angry that he'd spied on her, he deserved some kind of  
explanation. He didn't show it, but he was actually very self conscious when  
it came to Rui. Especially in regards to her, considering that she'd loved  
him first.  
  
So she could have called him an idiot. She could have slapped him or kicked  
him. She was pretty pissed, after all. But she knew that the entire love  
triangle between the three of them ended with little closure for Doumyouji.  
He'd started to chase after her all over again, content with just the  
knowledge that she and Rui had not slept together. He hadn't asked her why  
she'd 'cheated', whether or not she'd ever really liked him back then, the  
number of times she and Rui had met secretly, what they'd done on their  
date...  
  
So, instead of reacting in the violent way anyone would have expected, she  
said, in a very firm, even voice, "I'm with you because I love you. The  
reason I tell Rui things like this is because..." she sighed, "It's because  
he believes that I can take care of it on my own. I don't have to worry  
about him sending people over to my house to fix my room without my  
permission... Or to slip million yen notes in my book bag. I just want to be  
able to tell someone my problems without them trying to solve them for me."  
  
Doumyouji looked calmer. There were still traces of anger, but she knew the  
next words out of his mouth wouldn't be screamed. "... Is it wrong that I  
want to take care of you?" he asked, seriously.  
  
Her mouth opened, but nothing came out. She didn't know how to answer that.  
  
"Why don't you think about that for awhile?" he suggested, a little bit  
sarcastically. Then, he turned and walked away from her.  
  
# # # # # # # # # # #  
  
NOTES: How was everyone's Thanksgiving (assuming most of you celebrate it)?  
Mine was okay. My aunt made a comment that confused me. She said I was a  
"real lady". I don't get it. o.O Anyway, this chapter kind of sucks. Just  
like the last chapter, it was dramatic and unhappy. Things'll get better for  
our favorite couple, I promise. What did you think of my characterization of  
Rui? Rui's great. And he's fun to write. Tsukushi isn't, though. I have a  
difficult time with her. She's a cool character, but I think I write her  
very OOC (her mom too). I agree with anyone who thinks I overdramatized her  
family+monetary situation. It's just for the purpose of this story, though.  
I can't really say when the next chapter will be out. It could be a couple  
of days, or a couple of weeks. Thus far, I've had drafts written out (that's  
what I do in math class ^_-). But for chapter four I have nothing. Do you  
know what would inspire me, though? Reviews!! Hee, hee. Please review  
whether you hate, love, like, dislike, or are confused by this 'fic. I'm  
really happy about everyone that's reviewed so far! Thank you times a  
million! You rock! 


	4. four

Too Much Rain  
by Trish  
(trishlovesedison@hotmail.com)  
  
# # # # # # # # # # #  
  
Trish is very sorry she took so long updating!! =( To read the VERY legitimate excuses, please check her profile page.  
But really. I'm sorry. A few readers expressed interest in this story and it made me really happy (but confused... you actually LIKE this!?). So I'm going to try to work harder on this. I've already mapped out what's going to happen in the rest of the story.  
And for all those who were wondering: This IS a Tsukushi x Doumyouji fic. I just stuck Rui in there. I don't know why. 'Cause he's a trifling weirdo and I love him. =D  
  
# # # # # # # # # # #  
FOUR  
# # # # # # # # # # #  
  
To the students of Eitoku, she was Doumyouji Tsukasa's poor, tough girlfriend. She was-- as a famous model who will go nameless, put it-- "Jeanne D'Arc". She fought back, despite overwhelming opposition, and she always, always got the torch. Bullied, attacked, kidnapped, nearly killed and raped... But she always survived because she had that infamous Binbou blood in her. She was someone the students pitied, despised, envied, looked down on, and admired.  
  
To the teachers of Eitoku, she was something else, something much less complicated.  
  
She was an excellent student.  
  
Regardless of whether or not she studied, she always got good test grades. Her work was neat and immaculate; above par. Her mind was quick and sharp. If it weren't for her frequent absences and tendency to block out the entire world in favor or her personal problems, she would have been the perfect example of academic excellence.  
  
Most of the other kids in class were stuck up snobs who couldn't formulate a thought outside their million yen Eisai tutoring. For an educator who spent years of college with dreams of bright and eager students, Eitoku was a barren dessert, and she was the single flower that was able to survive there.  
  
So, that dark rainy afternoon, while Makino Tsukushi stared out the window, ignoring the lecture, sighing heavily, and looking generally depressed, the teacher of second year Japanese history, found yet another reason to hate Doumyouji Tsukasa.  
  
He was, after all, the most active contributor to her pesonal problems. So whatever must have been bothering the girl now was, most likely, his doing. 'Yes', the man thought vehemently, 'This is all his fault.'  
  
# # #  
  
'This is all my fault.'  
  
It was raining hard. 'Rain' wasn't a befitting description. It was POURING. It was like the sky was emptying out buckets of water over the earth, one after another. She couldn't hear the sound of it, because Eitoku windows were made of thick, glass. And the teacher was droning on and on up at the front of the room about the Meiji Era.  
  
She would usually be all over that, but she just wasn't in the mood today. All she could think about was Doumyouji and the way he looked at her and the way he spoke to her. The leak problem didn't bother her anymore. Or, it bothered her less. Now she was more concerned about her boyfriend and their always-rocky relationship.  
  
He was mad at her, and even though she didn't like admitting it, she knew he had every right to be.  
  
'It's all my fault.'  
  
She wanted to make up with him but she knew she couldn't. She didn't have the courage. Sure, she'd braved an entire school of twisted rich brats, the vastly feared and respected F4, a group of revenge-bent kidnappers, even the Wicked Witch herself, Doumyouji Kaede, but it was different this time.  
  
This was the boy she loved.  
  
He would want to know why. Why was she so obsessed with doing things on her own, being ultra independant, not needing anyone, but wanting to take care of everyone? And she could tell him some of it. She could tell him the things she knew: she was afraid Susumu was losing his childhood, she had to be the provider for the family in place of her idiot father, it was embarrasing to have to need help all the time, it was just in her nature to be self-sufficient... But there were other things... There were things she couldn't tell him about herself because she didn't know them, and the reason she didn't know them was because she never allowed herself to confront them. They were parts of herself she was afraid of facing: her failures, her weakness, the fact that she really didn't trust anyone-  
  
'No!' she snapped a lid tightly on that thought, and made sure it was pushed to the far corners of her mind where she wouldn't be able to touch it; where she wouldn't even be able to acknowledge it was there. 'I trust people. I do. I trust Tsukasa. I just don't need his money or his pity.'  
  
But, she had to admit, she needed him. Just for him. And she missed him. They'd been seperated for only days and she felt like a part of her was missing.  
  
Some people might have called that a weakness. She was so dependant on seeing him all the time, that when he wasn't around she was despondent, depressed, unhappy... And if that was true, than Tsukushi supposed being with Doumyouji WAS a hindrance. But it was the one hindrance she wanted to hang on to.  
  
He made her smile and laugh, and he showed her wonderful things, things not always bought with his parents' money. He made her heart race, and her soul glide... And she was always herself with him. Back in junior high she'd rejected each boy that came calling because she didn't want to lose a friend; she didn't want to force herself to be a girl she wasn't. But with Doumyouji she could still be her loud, opinionated, tomboyish-self.  
  
If she'd ever lost Tsukasa, she'd lose a part of herself too; a part she couldn't ever get back. So instead of denying herself of him, because she would be devestated if she lost him, she just resolved never to let him go. Nobody would tear them apart. Not a plucky arranged fiancee, a trio of dimwitted snobs, an alleged cousin\twin, a marble-eyed taciturn, a plastic surgery poster girl... Not even an evil, diabolical, crazed lunatic who had the gall to call herself a mother.  
  
And especially not herself; stupid and stubborn and afraid of something she didn't know.  
  
'But', she wondered, 'What the hell am I gonna do now?'  
  
'Tsukasa, I'm sorry. Don't give up on me, okay?'  
  
Longingly, she stretched out her arm to touch the window pane, almost as if he were standing on the other side of it.  
  
It was raining, but all she saw was him.  
  
# # #  
  
'I'm gonna go home and empty the buckets, then I'm gonna go to Tsukasa's house,' she told herself, resolutely, 'I'm gonna apologize and we're going to have a nice, civilized conversation.'  
  
The thought made her happy but a little bit nervous. She was happy because she was finally going to spend time with him, but she was nervous because she'd decided that that time would be spent talking about 'the thing' she was not particularly looking forward to talking about. But it wasn't fair that she was keeping secrets from him (and, in some respect, herself). And sooner or later she would have to pull open that lid and let those ugly aspects of Tsukushi out. She couldn't keep them hidden forever, and the longer she kept them festering in the dark corners of her mind, the nastier they would be when she finally let them out.  
  
There were other reasons for her trepidation. Tsukasa had gone through an awful lot to win her over. What if he finally realized she wasn't worth it? Part of the reason she suspected he fought so hard for her was because of his innate stubbornness. There was nothing Doumyouji Tsukasa couldn't have. Now that they were finally together, she worried he might realize it was never HER he really wanted at all. It was the idea of her: a strong-willed, rebellious girl who was initially uninterested in him. Tsukushi didn't want to be used or 'conquered'. More than that, she didn't want to be broken hearted.  
  
And if that wasn't true, what if he reacted badly to her 'ugly hidden side'? Afterall, SHE hated it. Why wouldn't he?  
  
'No, stop doubting him, Tsukushi!' she snapped at herself, viciously, 'You love Tsukasa. You 'ought to believe in him too.' She gripped the handle of her umbrella tightly, ashamed of her overwhelming thoughts of doubt. 'Everything'll be alright.'  
  
It felt strange that she would be going to the Doumyouji house. For such a long time that house had been a place of fear and dread; a place that reminded her of her unfortunate social status. Even when she was invited, she still felt like an outsider.  
  
But lately, things had changed. The maids called her by name and smiled brightly at her, instead of keeping grim countenances, leading her wherever they were instructed to, and only referring to her as "Miss". Tama always groused about how she was a stupid girl, but would lovingly add that Bocchan was a stupid BOY, and she wanted nothing more than to see them together. And Tsubaki: loud, aggressive, fearless, Tsubaki who was like everyone's older sister, was a woman whom Tsukushi admired and very much wanted to be like. The most important thing about that house, she thought, was the resident Young Master and the memories she'd shared with him there: scaling the walls so she could sneak into his room, playing cards late into the night, listening to his love confession after he bandaged up her wounds... The Doumyouji mansion could never be home, but with all those people and memories and events, it became less of a place to be afraid of.  
  
Tsukushi was nearing her apartment. She just had to round a corner and there her eyesore, nearly-dilapidated house would be. She never looked forward to seeing it. It was, after all, far from awe-inspiring, especially after all the things she'd seen in her two years at Eitoku.  
  
"Tsukushi."  
  
At the sound of her name, she looked up, froze in shock, and nearly dropped her umbrella.  
  
Standing there in front of her house was one of the most gorgeous things Eitoku had ever given her the pleasure of seeing-- not that she'd ever say so out loud.  
  
It was Doumyouji Tsukasa.  
  
He didn't have an umbrella, so he was soaked head to toe, his designer clothes sticking to his body. His usually curly hair was straight and nearly reached his chin. Even drenched from the rain, he looked handsome.  
  
But in front of her ranshackle apartment, he looked out of place. It was that thought that broke her out of her lovesick stupor. For a moment she was actually imagining him like he was one of those boys in shoujo manga: lake-eyed and surrounded by flowers.  
  
"Tsukasa..." she breathed, her voice trembling with emotion.  
  
He replied with his typical greeting, "Yo."  
  
For a moment, nothing happened. He looked at her with his serious, dark eyes, and she looked back at him, with her heart swelling up so large she was afraid she didn't have enough space in her ribcage to accommodate it.  
  
They stood only a few feet apart. The rain was pounding fiercely.  
  
After that elongated moment, they both realized that something had to be said.  
  
"Tsukasa," she started, "What are you doing standing in the rain?" her tone was scolding, "Idiot. Here, take my umbrella."  
  
He pushed the hand offering the umbrella away, "You're the idiot," he retorted, "I'm already wet. It wouldn't do me any good. You keep it. I don't want you to get sick."  
  
"What about you?"  
  
He didn't answer at first, and when he did, he said, "I don't care about myself as much as I care about you."  
  
The old Tsukushi would have told him to shut up, to not tell her ridiculous lies. But this Tsukushi, who was a little bit older and wiser and in love, only answered with a blush, and a "Thank you".  
  
Doumyouji did his best not to blush in return. "So are you going to invite me in or what? It's raining like hell out here."  
  
Her face flushed redder than before, and indignantly she shot back, "No! What the hell are you asking me? You know I have leaks! And you're just going to insult me about them."  
  
"That's probably true," he nodded in agreement, "But it's cold and it's raining."  
  
She wasn't moved. She knew the real reason he wanted to go inside was so they could talk, and she'd suddenly lost her nerve, "Yeah, well, you need to learn to toughen up Bocchan. This rain's nothing. In other parts of the world-"  
  
"Tsukushi," he interrupted, "Shut up, would you?" With that said, he strolled past her, making his way up the creaky stairs and into her apartment...  
  
... which for some reason he had the key for.  
  
She decided not to ask about it, because she kind of already knew the how and the why. And after months of dating him, she realized it would have been unlike him if he DIDN'T pull something bizzare and scary like this.  
  
Tsukushi jogged up the stairs after him, being careful because the steps were slippery with rain water. When she finally caught up with him, he was standing a foot inside the apartment, staring at the many water-filled buckets. He looked like he was in pain, and it took a moment or two for Tsukushi to realize that he was trying to keep from laughing.  
  
'Well, at least he's considerate', she thought, humorlessly.  
  
"You see, Tsukasa, you see why I didn't want you to know about this? It's embarrassing," she told him.  
  
"You wouldn't mind Rui seeing this, then?"  
  
She made a face. Why was he always bringing up Rui? Rui was not the problem. "Hanazawa Rui never would have come here," she answered confidently. Then, memories suddenly came to her of the taciturn sending her furniture, following her to New York, and making several attempts to sock his bestfriend on her behalf. "Okay... Maybe that's not entirely true..." she stood there mulling over it until Doumyouji was suddenly in her face, yelling at her.  
  
"Hey! Snap out of it, would you!?"  
  
"Eh? Oh, sorry. Well, maybe I was just hoping he wouldn't have come over. He's kind of unpredictable, you know."  
  
Tsukasa made an unidentifiable sound of agreement, "You're telling me."  
  
"Anyway, let's not bring Hanazawa Rui into this. This has nothing to do with him."  
  
Doumyouji was staring at her, expressionless, "What has 'nothing to do with him'?"  
  
"You know," she was starting to get annoyed, and it took massive amounts of willpower to keep those feelings curbed, "The reason you're here now."  
  
"What do you know about what I'm doing here now?" he questioned, cryptically.  
  
Tsukushi looked about ready to pop a blood vessel, "Hey, halfwit! Cut the crap, would you? You came here expecting an apology and I've got one! But if you keep acting like that I might just have to throw you out on your ass!"  
  
He didn't get mad like most people would have. Calmly, and somewhat pleased, he asked her, "You were going to apologize to me?" At her growl, he lifted his hands in defense, "Hey, calm down, would you? Actually, I didn't come here for that, although I'm not at all against it," his smile was half sad, "I just wanted to see you. Even if we only half-make up, that's better than staying mad at each other. I DO want to know why you're shutting me out, but I'll wait until you're ready to talk about it."  
  
When he was sweet like this, she didn't know what to do. She usually acted on some bizzare, lovesick impulse. She would ignore her fears and doubts and jump head in, so that she could keep pace with his strength and bravery.  
  
"Well... How about now?" she offered, her voice heavy with anxiety.  
  
# # #  
  
"Last week, I had a dream," she began. They were squeezed together tightly in the one dry corner of the apartment. Their knees were touching, and for once she wasn't allowed to start screeching at him about it because it wasn't his fault (although one could make the argument it never was his fault, she was just paranoid).  
  
"A dirty dream?" he teased, with a sleazy look on his face. "Was I in it?"  
  
She scowled at him, "It wasn't a dirty dream, you freak! And since when did you turn into Nishikado?"  
  
"Sorry."  
  
She didn't reply to that, but she continued on with her narrative, a frown still marring her face "It was a dream about something that happened when I was really young. I nearly forgot about it, it was such a long time ago. I think..." she shook her head, "I KNOW that this was one of the things that made me the way I am now. I must have been five or something, and my family's financial problems were really starting to get bad."  
  
Tsukushi's eyes glazed over with sadness. Her voice dropped lower, "Mama took me aside and told me that Papa had screwed up again and wasn't getting that raise we all needed him to get. She also said some other things..." she looked distressed, and Doumyouji moved to hold her, but she waved him off. "She said... Well I don't really remember what words exactly, but the general feeling was that my Dad was a complete loser."  
  
"Che," Doumyouji scoffed, "Your father IS a complete loser. How could you not have already known that? Were you an idiot as a kid?"  
  
This time, she didn't bother to snap at him. She just gave him a positively hateful glare and within seconds he was contrite.  
  
"Sorry," he said again.  
  
"Do you really think that that's something a kid should be told when they're five? I mean, geez, Tsukasa. When you're that young the only thing you have IS your parents. What are you supposed to do when you find out one of them is completely useless and is actually dragging the family down?" she let out a long sigh, "Maybe you don't get it 'cause your dad IS somebody. But... when you're young don't you think you should be allowed to believe in things?"  
  
Doumyouji didn't say anything. He didn't know what to say. He didn't understand why this was such a big deal to her. In his perspective, parents weren't that important. They were the ones who made sure that the bank account was always filled with money. They were the ones who came home once or twice in a year and told you to look good in front of the world. If his mother ever spoke ill of his father, then he wouldn't care much. It was their problem. The ones who'd raised him were Tsubaki and Tama, and he never had to worry about either of them being a loser or undependable.  
  
"I was so disillusioned," he heard her murmur. She wrapped her arms around her legs and leaned her chin on her knees, "My father was the person I loved and trusted the most, and here my mother was, telling me that I was a fool for believing in him. Not only that," Tsukushi's laugh was sardonic, "She told me that I shouldn't believe in or depend on ANYONE. That I should get by only by trusting myself."  
  
Okay, now THAT was just wrong. "That's bullshit," Doumyouji spat, "Even a 'rich brat' like me knows that."  
  
"Hey, I was only a kid!" she said in her defense, "Kids are impressionable, you know! Besides... After she told me that, I started to take notice of things more, and I realized that what she said wasn't without it's merit. My dad is..." she trailed off, not sure what word to use for the man that had brought her up her whole life.  
  
"A loser?" Doumyouji supplied, in a manner he thought was helpful.  
  
"Unreliable." she corrected. "And my mom's no better. If she sees me talking to anyone even remotely rich, she's already writing my wedding vows for me. That woman seriously just does NOT want to work."  
  
"You have a weird family," he commented.  
  
"Look who's talking, Sister Complex." He gave her a mean look for that one.  
  
"But anyway, that's the story. I guess it's not really all that traumatic or extraordinary but there it is. I don't trust anybody. No matter how much I like or love someone, I keep thinking they'll fail me or sell me up the river." she tried to make it sound casual, like it was no big deal, but he could hear fear in her tone.  
  
"By that I guess you mean... me?"  
  
At first she said nothing. She wouldn't even look him in the eye.  
  
He nudged her with his shoulder. "Oi. Tsukushi. Don't suddenly decide you're not a loud mouth."  
  
"It's not that I don't want to trust you," she tried to explain, "I really do love you and you've done so much for me... But I... Since we first started going out, I've..." and she bit her lip hard and screwed her eyes shut, "I've always felt that it wouldn't last."  
  
Since she still refused to look at him, she didn't see the expression of sadness wash over his face. But she had a feeling it was there. How could someone stand to hear that from the person they loved and not feel bad?  
  
"It's not you Tsukasa. It's me. I have this stupid, stupid thing where I don't depend on anyone or ask them for help... I think everything's temporary. I don't want to need anyone 'cause I think they'll fail me or they'll abandon me just when I really need them."  
  
Her boyfriend still hadn't said anything and she was too afraid to look at his face. So she startled to babble. Incessantly. "It's funny, though. You know how I always try to solve everyone else's problems? I think I'm trying to prove myself wrong." She laughed an odd sounding laugh: one that was on the verge of tears. "It's like, hey, if I can handle everyone else's crap AND my own, then my Mom was wrong and I was wrong. There are people who won't let you down... But I... I think I'm the one who's wrong. I don't know, Tsukasa. You can tell me you'll be there for me forever, but-- and I'm telling you this honestly, because everyone always tells me I'm not honest enough-- I still think one of these days you'll realize that I'm not good enough for you, and you'll leave me. Even after all we've been through."  
  
She absolutely hated crying but she couldn't help herself. It might have been a weakness, but she was only human. What human could stand breaking the heart of the person they loved?  
  
But at least he knew, right? He finally knew. This is what she'd never told him. Even though she loved him, she didn't believe in his love for her. Subconsciously, she didn't think their relationship would last. Now that he knew this, she was sure he'd leave her. She was sure he'd be pissed off and outraged. And she couldn't blame him. Who could love a faithless person?  
  
To her suprise, he touched a hand to her bowed head. But she didn't dare look up.  
  
"That's okay." he said. He seemed to understand that she didn't know what he meant, so he continued, "If that's the way you think, then... It's okay. I can't say it doesn't hurt... But..." he saw the guilt on her face, and felt it was his duty as a man to protect his woman from anything: even her own weakness. "Do you remember the kind of guy I was when we first met?"  
  
Despite her tears, she was able to utter the word, "Bastard".  
  
He gave a half smile. At least she could still insult him. "I've changed a lot since then. I don't think I'm exaggerating when I say it's probably all because of you. But there were a lot of things about me that were... 'bastardly', I guess. Do you get where I'm going with this?"  
  
Sniffle. "Not really."  
  
Doumyouji cupped her chin in his hand, and tilted her head up so she could see his face. His smile and his eyes were warm and gentle. That was an expression that people rarely saw on Doumyouji Tsukasa's face before he'd met her. "I'm saying... I was able to change even some of the ugliest things about me because I'd found someone worth changing for. So... If you really don't want to be the kind of person that doesn't trust anyone, then... Don't be. And... Let me be the one to help you."  
  
A million things were swimming through her head and her heart. There were so many and they were so different that they kept bumping into each other, and she had no idea what to do. There were only two things she was positively sure about right then.  
  
The first, that she absolutely loved this crazy idiot who didn't always act like an idiot (now, for example).  
  
"So what do you say?" he held out his hand for her to shake, and she wondered if maybe one day he WOULD make a good company president. His expression was so confident and genuine...  
  
A smile, a little bit confident and genuine itself, graced her face, and she received his hand. "Yoroshiku." she said, her voice a bit hoarse from emotion.  
  
His smile widdened, "Good," he replied, shaking her hand firmly, "And so your first step in getting over this stupid hang up is allowing me to take you and your brother away from this straw hut you call an apartment." He laughed and was glad when she joined in, "I guess you'll want a hotel room or something? If you don't mind staying at one of my mother's hotels, there's one that's pretty close to school. And I can have someone chauffeur you to..." he rattled off some more plans off the top of his head, not noticing that she wasn't listening.  
  
He looked really cute doting over her, she decided. Well, he looked cute most of the time so that wasn't saying much... But it reminded her of the only other thing she was sure about.  
  
"Tsukasa, can I make a request?"  
  
He paused, in the middle of his babbling, and stared at her before asking, "Seriously? You don't have to force yourself."  
  
She shook her head, "I'm not. I'm actually really suprised I'm asking you this but..." and she took a deep breath before hurriedly finishing, "Can I stay with you?"  
  
# # # # # # # # # # #  
  
NOTES:  
-Eisai: Private tutoring for rich kids. It teaches them really sophisticated things like foreign languages and tea ceremony. Tsukushi had to endure a super-condensed Eisai course in volume eleven when she was trying to win Miss Teen of Japan.  
-The 'desert\flower' thing was an allusion to Kazuya's entrance back in volume two. =D  
-Meiji Era: Not knowing anything about Japanese history, I took the era that stuck out the most in my mind. The Meiji Era (which is when Kenshin takes place)  
-Bocchan: I only own two untranslated Hanadan mangas, and in one of them Tama refers to Doumyouji as "Bocchan". Tsukushi, being a maid at the time (guess which volume! ^_^) also calls him this. It's something to the effect of "Young Master".  
-If you've ever seen the fansubbed Kodocha you probably noticed I stole the 'Shoujo\lake-eyes\flowers' thing Tsuyoshi said.  
-This part was originally going to be half as long, but I ended up merging two chapters together.  
-I know it seems silly for Tsukushi to be so messed up over something trivial like her mom talking smack about her dad, but according to this Workshop my mom attends (Landmark or something), even the smallest events in our childhood can have a severe effect on our psyche.  
-Okay, well I know the dialogue is cheesy, the conflict is resolved WAY too easily, the flow is messed up (I wrote this in different parts within the course of three months) and the entire chapter is DRIPPING with melodrama, but bear with me! It's been a LONG ass time since I wrote anything. Please send me many suggestions on what I should do to fix this abomination, 'cause I honestly don't know. I've already done all I can do. 


End file.
